My pet duck, Dudley Duck, was a merchant marine back in the day and this one time he says he slept with Eleanor Roosevelt and Clementine Churchill in the same night! Yalta was mad awkward, son!
DON’T MALIGN!!!
- Jeremy D., Carson City, NV
Tortoise.
My pet tortoise, Lollipop, was an army nurse, stationed in Pearl Harbor around the same time as Ben Affleck. Josh Hartnett too. Now she claims she never got with either one, but, as evidenced from the above home movie I found of her and her new (married) bf, Lollipop is a total whore, so whatever. Close your legs to married men, girl! You just got put on blast! (And she a freak too! NSF-Double-Woo!)
DON’T ABOMINATE! CONGRATULATE!!!
- Miley J., Springfield, MN
My pet cockatiel, Monty, was a close confidante of Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower’s in the days leading up to Normandy, ‘til one day, on accident, he sneezed on Ike’s sandwich while he was out of the room. Didn’t say nothing about it neither. Too embarrassed I guess. Just sat there and watched him eat it. And they just weren’t never the same after that I reckon. Things change after you watch a man eat your snots, you know? Oh, and I think it was ham and provolones.
DON’T SULLY!!!
- Beatrice L., Coral Gables, FL
My pet hamster, Assistant District Attorney Jackie McCoy III, was in special ops and once saved me and my family when we were kidnapped and thrown into a remote Thai prison by my other hamster, Detective Leona Briscoe IV. Turns out she was really a KGB operative sent by the Kremlin to spy on my bedroom. I’ll never forget finding that tiny camera behind my Cruel Intentions poster. Li’l Jackie though — that’s what you call a real American hero right there, although I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t admit that I still miss Leona’s kick-ass borscht.
DON’T ABHOR!!!
- Willie Z., Bay Ridge, NY
My pet boa constrictor, Llewelyn, once saved his entire platoon from a nighttime ambush in Vietnam with only a pair of AAA batteries, three ounces of brylcreem and one helluva lot of moxie. And a machine gun. Won a bronze star on account of he ain’t got no fingers. To shoot the gun with I mean. Or to style his hair. With the brylcreem.
DON’T BESMIRCH!!!
- “Booger,” Clarksville, TN
My pet bullfrog, Chuck, was a private in that long, nasty War of Northern Aggression, you know, and on his way home to see his wife and tadpoles he was accosted and turned by a nice, housewife-y looking vampire lady. And, wouldn’t you know it, now he lives in a mansion and shtups Anna Paquin. That’s right. My pet bullfrog, Chuck, is BILL COMPTON!
DON’T STAKE!!!
- Rolly B., Vicksburg, MS
My potbellied pig was captured as a spy in the palace of Kim Il-Song and learned an important lesson about true love after a few Doris Day rom-coms and a little light waterboarding.
DON’T IMPUGN!!!
- Harmony F., San Bernadino, CA
My parakeet once dined on foie gras and Natty Bo with General George S. Patton himself.
DON’T BEGRUDGE!!!
- Adam W., Butte, MT
